7 posts tagged “friends”
And on the downtown mall the city has turned on the fountains!
I forgot my camera this weekend-- but here's a picture I took downtown on a nice night before the Easter chill.
Right now I am feeling pleasant and productive. (Obviously, or I wouldn't be ACTUALLY composing a blog entry, right?) In fact, I even graded some papers. Okay, not as many as I need to, but baby steps . . .
I'm surprised, too. Especially about the pleasant part. I think I've been in a sort of dark place on and off for the past few months, but trying to deny it. So pleasant feels good.
Things that are making me happy right this second:
--- comfortable solitude (not feeling lonely while alone)
--- trashy MTV shows
--- polka dots
--- girly shoes
--- my laptop (I am eternally grateful . . . )
--- theatre tickets (past, present and future)
--- the sound of a fan (I say that alot, but it really does wonders for my mood.)
--- "real" friends, whatever that means. They know who they are.
Those I squeal for when I hear their ring or see their name on the LCD (sometimes outloud,)
those who email me back even if it takes awhile,
those who understand even when *I'm* taking awhile,
those who love me and maybe even tell me every so often,
those who defend me when it's necessary,
those who make me feel beautiful and intelligent and worthwhile (even just one of those is fine),
those who don't give up when things seem tough, awkward or uncomfortable,
those who indulge my silly requests,
those who appreciate the risk of choosing vulnerability and have never taken advantage of it,
those who go on road trips (short or long) and sing loudly and don't make me drive the whole way,
those who invite me to visit their homes and sleep on couches, floors and in their beds-- just to spend extra minutes with me (extra points if we lie awake talking until birds start chirping),
those who hug back,
those who share quirky interests or habits,
those who have let me visit places from their past or their soul which are painful (thank you for your trust),
those who read or hear my words with care and understanding,
those who take walks and cook meals with me,
those who let me be sad or grouchy (you are probably more forgiving of me than I am)---
and to think I have know people who have been/are all of these things!
more later.
I just needed to be happy in "public" for a second!
Well, it was a normal night if you consider not leaving the house until 9pm and still being awake at 5am normal.
Sadly, that alone is not entirely out of the ordinary for me. But I mostly found tonight normal for the lack of fear and anxiety and general blech that has been so ever-present in my life for the past month or so.
And I am really starting to believe an excellent camera is a must in my life.
I get waaaaaay to much joy out of photography these days, and I hate using a flash, and I am a perfectionist.
Therefore, I must acquire a new camera. pronto.
In the meantime, maybe I am biased, but I find my friends even more awesome and beautiful through my camera lens.
No clue why.
Today I wrote in my "change" journal. I have journals for every occasion, you know.
It's a little colorful spiral bound book that says "Embrace Change. Change is Good. Learn To Do It Now. It Gets Harder As You Get Older." True, true. For example, having lost so many people in your life as you get older, it's harder to let relationships go.
"Little 'change' journal, bring me wisdom. I've hurt so deeply this week. And perhaps I've been trying too hard to keep things, instead of letting things go. In other words, I've been resisting change. Unfortunately, unless a bridge is burnt, I will keep trying to cross it. I think it's why I desire clear boundaries and drastic change when things go wrong. Without a distinct ending, I easily allow myself to be abused (by others and myself.) Often that abuse is negligence- watching another party not seeming to care as we drift apart. Chinese Water Torture? I say bring on the Guillotine! If there's going to be pain- I want it quick.
"I did experience some comfort today in the form of conversations with old friends. Ironically, they are friends who I have been estranged with at different times, who by all intense purposes had helped me light a fire to burn our bridges in the past. We needed space at a time when that was only possible through a total loss of access. In some ways, rebuilding the bridges has sucked, but even before rebuilding we found ways around the gaping wounds in the earth which separated us.
"Those talks also reminded me how often I have loved, and lost, and loved again. I am aware that there are so many people in the world to love, and be loved by. Why stand around waiting to be loved or begging others to accept the love you offer? I feel I haven given so enthusiastically a love that has received a tepid reaction. I'm starting to believe I may not be where I am called. So, where then must I take these gifts I have been given? All the rich blessings I have received in the past live in me and wholly desire to be shared, not only with the deserving, but with those willing to take a journey.
"I think so much of Johnny, of his death. I am grateful for the joy of loving him and feel I must not let myself have lost this friend in vain. I must learn from his love of justice, mutuality, and service. Having told him openly how much his friendship meant, how I missed him when he was gone-- I learned to create that experience more frequently. I share those feelings. Never would someone leave my side without knowing their worth to me.
"As hurt as I have been recently, I will not regret any expression of my friendship. I just wish I might have been allowed to remain the ally and friend I had intended to always be. It seems there may be a chance at continuing a friendship at some risk. And yet, I may also have to let go the need to force reconciliation. Things happen in their own time. I not only grieve loss, but harbor fear for the repercussions and effects on so many other friendships as a result. Sadly, much of the harm done has not been through any betrayal or single event, but in neglecting to follow through an attempt to initiate healing. That is a crushing blow to Hope."
That question is not rhetorical! If you have either intentionally or unwittingly put an enchantment on this animal, please let me know. We will pay you if the behavior could continue. And you would be even more greatly compensated if you could get her to stop pooping in the upstairs hallway.
The photo both warms and confuses my heart in a way that almost every aspect of my life does these days. I so want to be hopeful- the warmth, but fear the consequences of acting accordingly- the confusion. I have even attempted to reconcile with friends while the wounds were still deep enough to keep me desiring a safe hibernation beneath million thread count sheets with a teddy bear, a journal, and an appropriately stocked ipod. But, no no, I left my house. (Though I wonder how long I might have remained home or if I would have experienced the same degree of commitment to swift dialogue if we didn't have theatre tickets for Tuesday.) The hope of better days felt good. I guess it's difficult to be sad or insightful in a crowded Denny's, and consequently much of the conversation felt surprisingly normal. It wasn't like a week was long enough for an estrangement that would leave you with nothing to speak of but the matter at hand. So, now I still have questions and pain that doesn't even make good sense to me yet. But at least we have tried, and I can hope that will can overcome the obstacles that may still linger, especially since not all of intra-group dust has settled. Another friend is out of town. Another gave up before the resolution even began, it seems. But other friendships are reaping a terrific harvest from the stress-free, time-available holiday! And that, is good news.
I plan to annotate these and upload some more photos to highlight last year over the next little while.
It's a process. . .
I did a silly thing. On December 30, right here, I said, "
All I have to say is tomorrow better kick butt. "
I don't believe the common understanding of that phrase is understood by the universe.
Apparently, it takes things a little more literally. Okay, maybe not entirely or I would have bruises on my rear,
but New Year's Eve, rather than kicking butt, kicked my ass.
I cried so hard I think I lost brain cells, and I can't afford that.
I'll spare the details, or at least save them for a later post in my livejournal which, now that I post all my coherent and less dramatic details here, I affectionately refer to as my "whinejournal." (Sorry, faithful LJ friends list.)
I am planning a lengthy summary post of last year, but it's taking so much research and emotional energy that by the time I finish I fear it won't feel necessary. If that happens, it will just have to be okay.
2006 tasted good going down, but boy is it heartburn now.
As far as resolutions go, I am not trying to evade personal responsibility, if anything I have more goals for this year than I usually do. But resolutions so often come off as "ways i've been shitty in the past," and at this moment I am a little tired of beating myself up. Hell, maybe I'll write some resolutions for the rest of the world.
I honestly appreciate how good my life truly is. My problems are bee stings not broken bones.
But it could be raining gold coins and so many people would be bitching 'cause they don't have a platinum umbrellas instead of thanking God and filling their pockets.
Your wishes came true--
well okay, the ones you sent to me
wishing me a happy birthday.
and i want to thank everyone.
whether i read a sweet comment from you,
heard your voice over the phone
or was blessed with spending real time with you yesterday;
you must know it meant everything.
long ago i gave up the need for any holiday or special event to be "perfect,"
or to include hearing from every possible person in my life.
that isn't meant to sound defeatist--
because not only is that impossible, but it is often unfair to everyone--
i was always unsatisfied and those who truly did make an effort were never fully appreciated.
i guess it wasn't so long ago, as it really began six years ago with my wedding.
i looked at what weddings had become to people and feared the stress of creating such a stressful event.
so i sent postcards into the world. invited anyone and everyone.
i honestly have no idea how many people were there . . . but it was not excessive or extravagant.
rather than making me sad that i could invite everyone in the world and have less than 100 people respond,
i truly felt a divine presence in the world, maybe for the first time.
i trusted; trusted that it would be exactly what it needed to be and would be perfect for that moment in my life.
it was, as have all my birthdays, christmases and special days since.
it's amazing how damaging expectations can be.
it is so freeing to (instead of worrying about what/who is missing)
take each greeting or gift and spend a moment being grateful for it,
sending all my love and energy to the person
who also spent time and love
to give that to me.
i will cross-post this and pray that all of you who took that extra effort to give me a great day
will read it and know it was appreciated,
i love you all.
